Jessie Warner of Jangles, MO is the current record holder for most baseballs eaten in 10 minutes

February 14, 2010

Love Advice for Valentines Day

Filed under: Love Advice — admin @ 2:39 am

 Click Here To Learn How to Make Money with your Digital Camera! 

So, Valentines Day is here, and if you are like 97% of all the other people out there, you are planning to run to Wal Mart the night before, praying they still have at least a few fake roses and semi-relevant “get well soon” cards that could potentially be used as a VDay card for your sweetie.  Have no fear, help is here!  Follow the steps below to win over your Valentine once again. 

1)  Don’t shop on February 13th at 11pm … shop on February 14th at 11pm
This is the most opportune time to get the most bang for your buck.  Everything has been rummaged through, but there are sure to be plenty of things left.  At this point, Wal-Mart is in “OH CRAP” mode because they will have shelves of irrelevant Valentines Day candies and such.  You will likely be able to get everything for half off, which means more money in YOUR pocket.  Who is the financial stud now? Your sweetie will love you even more.  For bonus points, wait until the day after when it all drops to 80% off. 

2)  Don’t “wing” it.  “theme” it.
Remember in school when you would give out Ninja Turtle or GI Joe cards that had some catchy quip?  Well, these days, it is all about Twilight.  Everyone loves Twilight … ESPECIALLY women!  Get her a card with Jacob on it, a rose being held by a cut out of Edward and insist upon calling your lady Bella.  If you really want to go all out, dress like a vampire.

3)  Exercise your Right to Give!
Throughout the year, the odds are that you have heard your lady complain about how her jeans don’t fit, or how a dress makes her look fat, etc.  Wanna really connect on an emotional level with her that she will never forget?  Buy her a treadmill and a case of slim-fast!  Your gal will love you so much because you actually understand what she needs.  Get ready to take your relationship to a whole new level.  Another free bonus for you:  Get her a large heart shaped box of chocolates, dump out the chocolates and replace them with various vegetables.

4)  Hey Good Lookin’!  What’s Cookin’?
Women absolutely love to cook!  Insist that she make you breakfast and lunch.  She will be so happy, she will let you pick the restaurant that night.  Whataburger will soon be yours!

I hope these tips will be useful to you.  If you do what is instructed, you will have the most memorable Valentines Day ever.

1 Comment »

  1. hm.
    I think my husband has read this list…

    Comment by SB — February 14, 2010 @ 2:43 am

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February 6, 2010

Did You Know?

Filed under: Short & Sweet — admin @ 8:19 pm

Did you know?

Music was invented in the 1930’s, but then outlawed in 1941.  Music was not heard by anyone again until 1954. 

Want to avoid getting stung by a bee?  hold your breath around them and blow out your cheeks.  This will close up your pores, and the stinger will not be able to penetrate a poreless skin.  That, or stay away from bees.

Spelunking is the most popular spectator sport in all of Europe.

On average, left handers live 42 years longer than their right handed counterparts. 

The world’s fastest swimmer is a Bessie, a two ton jersey cow in New Zealand who was clocked at swimming 23 miles per hour.  Look out, Michael Phelps!

Want to rid your house of cockroaches?  Turn on every ceiling fan in every room.  It is widely known that cockroaches simply cannot stand cold weather.  If you do not have ceiling fans, then simply install them, or get an oscillating fan for each room.  Yes, this includes kitchens, garages and bathrooms. 

Want to know the secret to defeating bullies at school?  It’s easy.  Each bully has a sensitive pressure point right where their two legs meet, a little below their waist.  Kick them really hard there, and they will drop like a rock. 

Inlaws and grimacing are illegal in most african tribes.

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Dead Dog on the Corner Vs. The Poet Debunker

Filed under: Complete Nonsense — admin @ 8:01 pm

Oh dead dog on the corner, why did you have to die like you did? 
Oh dead dog on the corner, did you choke on a fig?  (FYI, probably not – there weren’t any fig trees around.)

You look like a daschound

is that how you spell daschound?
why does it look like that?  It looks like it should be pronounced dash-hound, but instead of pronounced dok-sun.  Why?  
I dunno, shut up.  I’m freestylin’ here.

You look like a wiener dog, all tiny and brown
It was just wrong of that girl to dress you up in a gown

Because, well…you’re dead.  Dressing up dead things are gross.  Who is this girl?  Are we sure she is a girl?  Are we sure she even exists at all?

Oh, dead dog on the corner, I’m thankful you werent a squished dead dog
I’m also thankful you weren’t my dog.  Did you know how to clog?

Oh, dead dog on the corner, are you still there? 
Do my HOA dues consider this, and take care?

Oh, dead dog on the corner, when will you be moved?
Will they draw a chalk outline, or will birds eat you as food?

Oh, dead dog on the corner, I’m gonna have some fun.
For tonight, I will steal you and throw you on someone.
I am going to wire you up wtih strings, and knock on a door
then make you sing and dance … weekend at bernies style, sucka.  

Okay, that doesn’t even rhyme and PS, that movie sucked!  You suck!  How you like me now, Brock???  I’m leaving.  This poem / story / ode is lame.  Yeah?  Your mom’s poem / story / ode is lame!

Oh dead dog on the corner, it is midnight and it is clear
That someone already took you and had their fun, for all thats left is your ear…

of corn that you were eating, perhaps you choked on it
but i really think I hit you with my car earlier today, because you were an idiot

But now you are not an idiot.  You are a dead dog who was on the corner.

2 Comments »

  1. oh you are funny! I will be back!

    Comment by SB — February 14, 2010 @ 12:54 am

  2. Finally, someone who understands my sense of humor 🙂

    Comment by admin — February 14, 2010 @ 5:23 am

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February 4, 2010

Pants on the Ground: The Real Story

Filed under: The Real Story — admin @ 4:04 pm

Over the past few months, many Americans have been talking about “Pants on the Ground”, but what is the real story?  From where does this phrase originate? (more…)

2 Comments »

  1. HA!! pants on the ground! pants on the ground! lookin like a FOOL with your pants on the ground!

    Comment by Kristin Rae — February 4, 2010 @ 4:09 pm

  2. hm. you’d think the invention of the belt would have resulted in less dates, thus depleting human species populating, and in turn, not having the American Idol episode where we had to learn of this ridiculous term…you’d think.

    Comment by SB — February 14, 2010 @ 5:15 am

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February 2, 2010

A Real Man’s Guide to Getting the Girl of Your Dreams

Filed under: Love Advice — admin @ 10:42 pm

Many people ask me how I was such the lady’s man back in the day.  I could write volumes of books on the subject that would turn even the most geekiest of nerd balls into a casanova.  Here are a few tips and tricks to help get you started.  (more…)

1 Comment »

  1. OMG HILARIOUS! I am rolling!

    Comment by Kristin Rae — February 3, 2010 @ 7:46 pm

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Disturbing Pact Among high school girls at Dwight T Elster High

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 10:05 pm

It has taken the nation by storm – a pact so disturbing, that it has put the town of Okstur, OK on the road to eternal infamy.  It has teachers disturbed, the male population of the school is taking notice and parents are in tears. 

(more…)

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Luxury Cruise Liner Offers Alien Sight Seeing

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 6:00 pm

(AGP) Miami, FL – Interexotic Cruises, LLC has been known for putting together among the best cruises around the world.  Equipped with 15 luxury liners off of the most significant ports in the world, each is equipped with top of the line architecture, and million dollar amenities.  (more…)

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February 1, 2010

The Mystery of Lenny and the Cunning Salmon Who is Being Baked

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 4:09 am

A small town in Indiana has the following story on their SAT’s, and they need to answer a few questions off of it to determine if they are college material or not.  Shockingly, the group of associated questions account for 35% of the entire score.  See below: (more…)

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