Jessie Warner of Jangles, MO is the current record holder for most baseballs eaten in 10 minutes

August 24, 2016

What does the Average American Conversation Look Like?

Filed under: Complete Nonsense,Top News Stories — admin @ 4:14 pm

pie-chart

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December 5, 2012

December 21st, 2012: The End of … Yellow.

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 7:32 pm

NQT Exclusive:

Recently, scientists have discovered the true meaning of the so-called Mayan prophecy.  While an overwhelmingly number of scientists agree, very few will go on record about it.

“The Mayan calendar does not predict the demise of life as we know it,” one renowned scientist said.  “It merely predicts the demise of the color spectrum as we know it.”

It has come about that the Mayans were far more advanced astronomically than we will probably ever know.  In fact, the upcoming 12/21/12 date is accurately predicted to be the time that the Earth is in alignment with the middle of the milky way, which happens every 2,600 years, just like clock-work.

The problem:  the color spectrum.  The color yellow will cease to exist.  Or at least, the way our eyes interpret yellow.

“Literally everything that is yellow, will no longer look like yellow.” Scientist Edison Shrabner commented.  “We predict the color we now know as yellow, will become almost a pure white.  This is in part because of the way our atmosphere will handle the color spectrum, given our new position in the milky way.”

Many are up in arms about the new color change.  From racial issues to depression, life as we know it will change dramatically.  Here are a few examples:

  • Smiley faces will no longer be yellow.  They will be white, and appear as smiley ghosts.  Those who have problems with ghosts, will now see a smiley…er…ghost face as a negative thing.
  • Taunting people who are cowards by calling them “Yellow” will now have to call them “white”.   Probably will not go over too well.
  • Children will no longer be able to refrain from eating the yellow snow.  Talk about potty mouth.
  • The death rate of breakfast eaters is expected to jump at an alarming rate.  Those who are allergic to egg yokes, will no longer be able to determine if their scrambled eggs were made out of pure egg whites.  The same goes for those drinking orange juice, as milk and oj will no longer be distinguishable.

The list goes on.  December 21st, 2012 may not be the end of the world, but if you ask this writer, based upon the list above – it might as well be.

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December 21, 2011

Forget Tebowing and Planking – Celebrities Are now Tree Screaming

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 4:02 pm

‘Tis the season to be…loud?  That is what many noted celebrities in Hollywood are doing.  Tebowing has become all the rage, and planking had its 15 minutes of fame, but what is the latest trend?  Tree Screaming.

“Tree screaming is where many of the young starlets from the silver screen basically go up to random trees, stand 2 feet away from them with their fists curled, and basically scream directly at the tree, at the top of their lungs until they cannot scream anymore.”  Jason Stanwell, a noted paparazzi has observed.

“Many of their fans have begun doing the same thing, and some are even considering chopping down their own trees, so the temptation isn’t there.”

Many disciples of these celebrities have decided to take it a step further, by going “Teacher Screaming”.   The name says it all – when the class is quiet and taking a test, a youth will go up to a teacher, and just before handing in a test, they’ll stand closely and scream until the child is removed from the room.

“I really don’t know what all the fuss is,” Stanwell added “my wife has been tree screaming at me for years.”

There is also something now called “coneing”. See the following video.

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February 2, 2010

Disturbing Pact Among high school girls at Dwight T Elster High

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 10:05 pm

It has taken the nation by storm – a pact so disturbing, that it has put the town of Okstur, OK on the road to eternal infamy.  It has teachers disturbed, the male population of the school is taking notice and parents are in tears. 

(more…)

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Luxury Cruise Liner Offers Alien Sight Seeing

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 6:00 pm

(AGP) Miami, FL – Interexotic Cruises, LLC has been known for putting together among the best cruises around the world.  Equipped with 15 luxury liners off of the most significant ports in the world, each is equipped with top of the line architecture, and million dollar amenities.  (more…)

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February 1, 2010

The Mystery of Lenny and the Cunning Salmon Who is Being Baked

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 4:09 am

A small town in Indiana has the following story on their SAT’s, and they need to answer a few questions off of it to determine if they are college material or not.  Shockingly, the group of associated questions account for 35% of the entire score.  See below: (more…)

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January 31, 2010

Ultimate Grandma Fighting?

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 5:55 am

In a world largely dominated by the 20-34 year old male demographic, grand mothers from around the globe are hitting the gyms in unprecedented numbers.  (more…)

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January 30, 2010

Libraries Become Outlet for Omelet Haters

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 9:36 pm

Since the inception of the Internet, libraries have been getting more and more scarce. The total number of libraries have dropped from 32,000 to just 14 over the past decade alone. (more…)

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Shocking and Terrifying Statistics

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 6:57 am
The American Resource for Materials Pending Investigatory Techniques (A.R.M.P.I.T.) have released some rather revealing and hairy statistics this morning concerning younger Americans. The president is expected to make a comment on educational reform later this week.

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January 28, 2010

Dandruff Illegal in Guadalajara

Filed under: Top News Stories — admin @ 5:25 am

NEWSLINE / AGP 11:19 PM
Guadalajara is a busy town in Mexico.  With its vibrant night life and buzzing economy, tourists have a lot to look forward to, while not having to spend much cash.  (more…)

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